"Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich."
      —from Parliament of Whores
Modern Manners
An Etiquette Book for Rude People
by P. J. O'Rourke
ISBN: 0-87113-375-X / ISBN-13: 978-0-87113-375-5
US $13.00 - 5 1/2 x 8 1/4, 300 pp - June 1990

Table of Contents:
Introduction: Manners—Why Have the Things at All?
SECTION I: Rules to Live by in a World with No Rules
Chapter 1 What are Manners?3
Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.
Chapter 2 Creating a Persona: The Polite You7
Getting a divorce from your parents.
Chapter 3 The Fundamentals of Contemporary Courtesy22
Caring about little, believing in less, and cultivating the right sort of well-bred stupidity.
Chapter 4 Important People: When to Stand Up, When to Sit Down, and When to Roll Over and Play Dead32
And how to introduce two people when you’ve forgotten both their names.
Chapter 5 Table Manners40
Elbows on the table, yes. Face in the food, never.
Chapter 6 Acting Up50
Why there’s nothing so wrong, after all, about having your kisser in the blanquette de veau.
Chapter 7 Drinking56
Only God can make a gentleman, but anyone can make a cocktail.
Chapter 8 Taking Drugs61
How modern people have stopped taking drugs and where they get all those drugs they’ve stopped taking.
Chapter 9 Conversation68
Practically anything you say will seem amusing if you’re on all fours.
SECTION II: Men, Women, and Other People
Chapter 10 Advice for Modern Women87
Keep modern man quiet. Do not induce vomiting. Call a psychiatrist immediately.
Chapter 11 Advice for Modern Men91
How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?
Chapter 12 Modern Dating: Its Causes and Cures96
Is a written prefriendship agreement necessary before dating?
Chapter 13 More Sex: If You Must103
Never do anything to a lover that you wouldn’t do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.
Chapter 14 Where Babies Come from and Where They Should Go111
Harnessing your own infantilism to make your children behave like little adults.
Chapter 15 After Marriage119
Sex makes strange bedfellows.
SECTION III: Formal Etiquette
Chapter 16 The Recrudescence of Formal Ceremony127
Just when you were about to spend $75,000 to turn the ballroom into a home fitness center.
Chapter 17 The Horrible Wedding139
Should the divorce lawyers accompany you on the honeymoon?
Chapter 18 The Hip Funeral160
How to tell when your friends are dead.
SECTION IV: The Entertaining Part of Life
Chapter 19 Real Parties175
If your drink runs up your nose, you may be lying on the floor.
Chapter 20 Going Out191
It’s better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money.
SECTION V: That Part of Life Which is Not in the Least Entertaining
Chapter 21 Courtesy in the Workplace203
There are things that money can’t buy, things it can only rent.
Chapter 22 Social Correspondence210
Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
Chapter 23 Guests, Including Pets and Old Friends from College213
Find out if a former roommate from Dartmouth can tell the difference between dog food and pâté de foie de volaille.
Chapter 24 The Servants218
Don’t call her “the cleaning lady who comes in once a month if I can afford it”; call her “the help.”
Chapter 25 Real Trouble220
When your lawyer tells your accountant that your agent thinks you should see a doctor.
SECTION VI: Clothing
Chapter 26 Men’s Clothes233
Most men do not look trustworthy with their pants off.
Chapter 27 Women’s Clothes250
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
Chapter 28 Clothes for Adolescents, Mental Patients, and Members of Rock and Roll Bands255
What to wear to a teen suicide cluster.
SECTION VII: The Leisure Effort
Chapter 29 Sports Manners261
A short chapter, as there are so few sportsmen who have any.
Chapter 30 Travel Etiquette275